I don't want to lose him. But I'm not sure I have the stomach to be his submissive – deep down, it's the canes and whips that put me off. I'm a physical coward, and I will go a long way to avoid pain. I think of my dream...is that what it would be like? My inner goddess jumps up and down with cheerleading pom-poms shouting yes at me.
See, these books were
marketed as a story about a young woman discovering her latent, kinky
tendencies, but what we actually have is a story about a young woman
falling desperately in love with a man who coerces her into the
lifestyle. She only puts up with it in order to keep him interested.
Any affirmation that she might actually be enjoying the BDSM elements
comes through her 'inner goddess' rather than her conscious thoughts.
Consciously, she is actually thinking about how much she doesn't want
the pain. It's almost as if the enjoyment of it is too shameful for
her to acknowledge herself, so she has to attribute it to this
fucking alternative personality which is really weird.
It's
also feeding in to the infamous 'she says no but she really means yes'
bullshit. Ana just needs a little convincing, because deep down she
wants it really...for
fuck's sake...
Chapter Fifteen
Boy, he's angry. He grabs my hand and leads me back into the apartment and straight into my bedroom...no passing go. My subconscious is behind the sofa again, head hidden under her hands. He switches on the sidelight and halts, staring at me.
"Please don't be angry with me," I whisper.
His gaze is impassive; his eyes cold shards of smoky glass.
"I'm sorry about the car and the books..." I trail off. He remains silent and brooding. "You scare me when you're angry," I breathe, staring at him.How romantic...
This time Christian is angry because Ana has had the audacity to refuse his sudden gift of a brand new car. She previously asked him not to buy her a car, because she was uncomfortable with such generosity and she was pretty attached to the car she already had, but he went ahead and did it anyway. And now he's angry because he's only managed to convince her to take it as an indefinite loan rather than a gift, and obviously such disobedience is infuriating.
Anyway, they then proceed to have sex. Because, obviously...
Chapter Sixteen
I hang up and face Kate, who glares at me.
"Has that obscenely rich fucker upset you again?"
"No...sort of...er...yes."
"Just tell him to take a hike, Ana. You've been so up and down since you've met him. I've never seen you like this."Kate's literally the only sane person in this entire book.
Christian bursts into my bedroom and unceremoniously switches on the overhead light, making me squint [...] Kate comes and stands in the doorway.
"Do you want me to throw this asshole out?" she asks, radiating thermonuclear hostility.
Christian raises his eyebrows at her, no doubt surprised by her flattering epithet and her feral antagonism. I shake my head, and she rolls her eyes at me. Oh...I wouldn't do that near Mr. G.
"Just holler if you need me," she says more gently. "Grey - you're on my shit list and I'm watching you," she hisses at him. He blinks at her, and she turns and pulls the door closed but doesn't shut it.I LOVE KATE SO MUCH
KATE FOR PRESIDENT
God, why couldn't this book have been about Kate and Christian's brother Ethan? I would have loved that book...
Chapter Twenty
"No one's ever said no to me before. And it's so - hot."
His eyes widen, filled with wonder and lust. It's a heady mix. I swallow instinctively. His hand moves down to my behind. He pulls me sharply against him, against his erection.If you listen very carefully, you can maybe hear my eternal silent screams of horror because I don't think you can more blatantly perpetuate the mentality of rape culture unless you go around wearing a t-shirt that says 'I like it when they run'. But wait, it gets better...
"I want you, and I want you now. And if you're not going to let me spank you - which you deserve - I'm going to fuck you on the couch this minute, quickly, for my pleasure, not yours." [cue yet another sex scene in which Ana marvels at just how wonderful Christian is at sex, except this time Christian denies her one of her improbable, instantaneous orgasms]
All of a sudden, he withdraws, leaving me aching and hungry for more. He glares down at me.
"Don't touch yourself. I want you frustrated. That's what you do to me by not talking to me, by denying me what's mine." His eyes blaze anew, angry again.Oh, by the way - the thing she said 'no' to? Yeah, that was him moving his hand inappropriately up her thigh beneath the dinner table. Where the rest of his family were also seated. During dinner.
Chapter Twenty One
I scuttle off toward the study, mortified. Why does Christian only have attractive blondes working for him? And a nasty thought comes involuntarily into my mind: Are they all ex-subs?Why the hell would that be your first assumption? In what universe would anybody exclusively employ ex-lovers? I can't even begin to understand this woman's thought process, I really can't...
He moves with ease, luxuriating in me, enjoying me, his lips slightly parted as his breathing increases. He twists his hips from side to side, and the feeling is exquisite.How is he twisting his hips from side to side? I mean, logistically, how is that working? It sounds really awkward. I mean, is she talking about a corkscrew kind of motion? I'll accept diagrams...
He seemed fine when I went into his study. We had sex...and then he wasn't. No, I don't get it. I look at my subconscious. She's whistling with her hands behind her back and looking anywhere but at me. She hasn't got a clue, and my inner goddess is still basking in a remnant of post-coital glow. No - we're all clueless.Oh my god, she's actually seeing manifestations of her separate personalities now. She is actually physically looking at her subconscious. That's a hallucination. Oh my god, this woman isn't just horribly naive, she's actually mentally ill.
"How did they go?" she asks, excited. Only Kate can look gorgeous in an over-sized shirt, tattered jeans, and a dark blue bandana.Yes. Only Kate can look good in such a horribly unflattering outfit. Only Kate. No one else...
Chapter Twenty Two
I don't know how to answer your comment about feeling like a whore. I know that's not what you've written, but it's what you imply. I don't know what I can say or do to eradicate these feelings.I mean, he could always stop treating her like one? That might help. Just sayin'...
This is not something I wish to discuss via email.
How many Cosmopolitans are you going to drink?
Christian Grey
CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.
Holy fuck, he's here.Oh my god, he's stalked her all the way to Georgia!?!? He couldn't even give her four days of space. With her mother. Who she barely sees. After he specifically agreed to give her the space to mull over signing that soul-destroying 'contract'. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Chapter Twenty Three
He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string -what?!- and gently takes my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all...and then he's inside me...I have no words. None.
Although, let's talk about the fact that he's taken her being on her period as a green light to forego the loathsome experience of wearing a condom, and how that's totally not going to result in a surprise pregnancy later on...
He's standing there, gloriously naked, with my blood on him...AND JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS SAFE...
Chapter Twenty Four
I shake my head at his largesse, and I frown as a scene from Tess crosses my mind: the strawberry scene. It evokes my dream. To hell with Dr. Flynn - Freud would have a field day - and then he'd probably die trying to deal with Fifty Shades.Yes, an orphaned, sexually dominant heterosexual male who was heavily influenced by an adolescent relationship with an older, matriarchal figure. That's exactly the kind of thing that would blow Freud's mind, like woah, that is just so outside of his remit, he would definitely not be able to handle how complex it all is...
Plus, we have another casual comparison between Christian and Alec D'Urberville. Fan-fucking-tastic! (I'm awarding bonus creepy-points for using the word 'largesse' in association with the scene where Alec essentially force-feeds Tess strawberries. Yep, there's nothing more than Alec's generosity implied in that scene, definitely...)
Chapter Twenty Five
I [...]make my way upstairs toward my room [...] I console myself with the thought that at least I have somewhere to escape from him.
Examining the door, I find that it has a lock but no key. I wonder briefly if Mrs. Jones has a spare. I'll ask her.FOR FUCK'S SAKE ANA! LOCK BUT NO KEY??? SERIOUSLY??? SERIOUSLY???
Closing my eyes, I try to calm myself down, to connect with my inner sub. She's there somewhere, hiding behind my inner goddess.No no no no please do not add another personified aspect of Ana's personality to the roster! It's full, I swear, we've got it all covered between her inner goddess and her subconscious. No more!
Chapter Twenty Six
"I do it for you, Christian, because you need it. I don't. You didn't hurt me last night. That was in a different context, and I can rationalize that internally, and I trust you. But when you want to punish me, I worry that you'll hurt me."
His eyes darken like a turbulent storm. Time moves and expands and slips away before he answers softly.
"I want to hurt you. But not beyond anything that you couldn't take."
Fuck!So Ana basically says that she trusts Christian not to hurt her apart from all the times where she doesn't trust him not to hurt her, and his response is to say that he really does want to hurt her, but not, like, too much. So that's cool, right? That's not horrifyingly fucked up in any way. And I mean, wanting to cause substantial amounts of physical pain to someone you're in love with is absolutely fine. Like, I get that. Everyone gets that. It's totally normal.
And it's completely understandable why this fucking cesspit of abuse and sexual trauma has resonated so profoundly with the world. I'm definitely not absolutely terrified by the armies of women who devoured these books and bought their 'Where's my Christian Grey?' merchandise. It's totally fine, it's fine, I'm fine, we're all FCUKINg fine...
"This is what you really like? Me, like this?" I use the sleeve of the bathrobe to wipe my nose.
He gazes at me warily.
"Well, you are one fucked-up son of a bitch."
"Ana," he pleads, shocked.
"Don't you dare 'Ana' me! You need to sort your shit out, Grey!" And with that, I turn stiffly, and I walk out of the playroom, closing the door quietly behind me.Oh, thank god...
Deep down, a nasty, unbidden thought comes from my inner goddess, her lips contorted in a snarl...the physical pain from the bite of a belt is nothing, nothing compared to this devastation. I curl up [...] and surrender myself to my grief.They were together for just under three weeks. Allow me to remind you of that.
Also any relief I feel at Ana finally seeing the light and breaking up with the creep is immediately squashed by remembering that there's two more books so of course they're going to get back together...
So, that's it. Fifty Shades of Grey, done and dusted. I think I am genuinely changed forever by this nightmare, and I haven't even finished the trilogy yet. Lucky me...
And yes, I have heard about the new book that's basically this one but from Christian's perspective and let me tell you I am just...far too fragile to read that. Maybe next year, or something. When I've had time to prepare myself. With a hammer. And a nail to the skull.
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